Pastors and Self Awareness

This week I want to share with you a short article about pastors and their self awareness and how that impacts issues of spiritual and emotional health. This article is written by my good friend, Dr. Russ Veenker, founder and director of Mountain Learning Center. MLC provides a mountain retreat where a physically enjoyable, emotionally gratifying, and spiritually invigorating experience revitalizes pastors and their spouses' relationships with God, self and others. Russ has been providing Pastoral Retreats for over 25 years in beautiful June Lake, CA. This article is copyrighted by Dr. Russ Veenker and first appeared in his January/February 2009 Ministry Newsletter and is used by me with permission of the author.

Here are his thoughts that were stimulated by a report on a recent clergy survey taken by Dr. Dave Carder.

“Pastors and Self Awareness”

One of the highest compliments I ever got from a client was when he told several others at a gathering, “I didn’t have any problems until I went to see Dr. Veenker.” That brought out a lot of laughter---including myself! I find it a great statement in regard to how unaware we are of ourselves. I mean, what is it REALLY like to be on the receiving end of me? One must be courageous to ask that of their friends…

I have had pastors spouses share in counseling the observation that what the pastor is like at church is very different from whom they are at home. Many times the pastors in the room look so surprised---even caught off guard--- when their spouse shares their personal perception: “Sometimes it feels like I’m living with two different people.” Yes, more often than pastors like to admit, they aren’t the same person at home as who they are at church. And that observant comment may reveal a compartmentalized life which can lead to all kinds of harmful distractions. Yes, at times pastors tend to be very unaware of this dual-dynamic in themselves.

Take for example, a recently completed study regarding pastoral infidelity by Rev. David Carder (Pastor of Care and Counseling @ EVFree Fullerton, CA, and author of Torn Asunder: Recovery From Extra-marital Affairs, Moody Press). The research team discovered significant mood signs that indicate when a pastor could be a candidate for infidelity: Hungry for emotional connection; generally angry; lonely; tired; and bored. Ministry is a lonely and isolated vocation accompanied by 24/7 work demands that amount to the same routine week after week with little time for a personal life. No wonder so many clergy fall prey to immorality --- the nature of the work role sets them up for it! Fore sure, unless clergy AND their spouses are trained and sensitized to the hazards of ministry, and have healthy boundaries in place, they can easily fall into sinful distractions. Out-of-balance living can lead to sexual wandering.

One of the by-products of Carder’s study I found quite intriguing in terms of self-awareness: “Fully 90% of the pastors who admitted to sexual infidelity in the survey chose phrases like, ‘I was blind-sided,’ ‘It was out of the blue,’ and ‘I had no idea what was happening’ to represent what they felt like when the infatuation of the affair engulfed them.” I think those quotes adequately prove my point: Pastors lack self-awareness! 90%---wowie zowie Batman!

Yes, many clergy lack basic individuation, differentiation, and self-awareness. One reason for this is because they are so focused and absorbed in other people’s lives, they neglect their own. That usually follows for the marriage as well. Many do not have a life outside of ministry as work---they allow their work to define and occupy their identity to the point of emotional, physical, and spiritual exhaustion. The devil doesn’t have to work very hard on Christian leaders in North America --- he just keeps them busy with ministry and they self-destruct! Someone has insightfully said, “The greatest threat to devotion to Christ is service for Christ.” What a paradox! But true none-the-less.

At our Pastor Retreats I will often engage pastors in conversation about how they spend their time. I nearly always get around to asking pastors about their hobbies … what they do together with their spouse as a couple…and what kind of time do they spend with their kids. Prior to the Retreat each participant is required to take a battery of inventories that objectively help to assess how things are going for them personally and in their marriage. Most clergy couples we see are overwhelmed with ministry to the point of martial neglect. There’s no time for hobbies, spouse or kids; they are too exhausted for hobbies, kids, and spouse---they’re just “another person who sucks the life out of them.” Yet the inventories indicate their level of denial regarding their own sentiments is quite pronounced. Once again, a lack of self-awareness appears in this dynamic.

It is only when they get honest with us, themselves, God, and their spouse, they become teachable. Specific Scriptures speak volumes to their condition of no work boundaries and lack of awareness:

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. Mt. 11:28-29 (NIV)

For by the grace given me I say to every one of you: Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment, in accordance with the measure of faith God has given you. Romans 12:3 (NIV)

Self-awareness begs self-examination in a safe community of openness and gracious wisdom. That’s the kind of environment most Clergy Retreats strive to create for clergy couples. Helping them to become more self-aware, establish healthier working and relational boundaries, and assisting them in intentional growth and development will enable them to finish well at life and ministry.

I challenge you to ask your spouse the tough questions, “Do you see a drastic difference in me when I am at church apart from who I am at home?” “What is it like to be on the receiving end of me?” The answers may surprise you. May be time to consider a Retreat to revitalize.”

What are your thoughts about our self-awareness as a pastor. Does this ring true for you or for a ‘friend’? At Genesee Home we focus on the strategies that help us maintain our emotional and spiritual health in ministry. Two of those strategies that are very important are 1) having Space in our lives in the form of Sabbath times away from ministry and 2) having healthy hobbies that we pursue that are not connected to ministry. Take time reflect on your own self-awareness and how you might maintain the healthy balance that helps you maintain long haul ministry.

The Fruit of Ministry

I love to read biographies of great Christians. They don’t need to be famous, but they need to have led an exemplary life for Christ. I am often amazed as I read their stories of the persistence and longevity in their Christian life and Ministry. Often I ask myself where does this come from?
Last wee one of our pastors made a passing remark as they prepared to leave Genesee Home and Genesee Valley. I asked him to send me the thought for I believe it is a key to a long, strong Christian life and ministry.

These are his thoughts:

Friday Morning at Genesee Home

It is Friday morning, a very special time at the Genesee home as we gather for a send off breakfast with new friends that seem like old friends after such a delightful week together. With heads bowed and eyes closed for prayer, I envision the end view of a cut log with all the growth rings… A little while later, I look across the field and see mountains covered with thousands of beautiful trees, the kind that remain green year round and are often harvested for a host of very useful products….. construction lumber, particle board, pencils and paper.

Turning my attention back inside the house, I can’t help but notice the Genesee home dining room is furnished with a variety of beautiful wooden furniture. There are different grain patterns, colors and finishes, different styles, some ornately carved with other pieces more simply stated. The common thread is that it was all built to last… whether Oak, Cherry, Mahogany, Birch, Maple or Walnut, each piece was made from trees that went through seasons of rest, growing strong and steady. Hardwood trees aren’t always pretty on the outside as they let go of all their dead leaves and prepare for a new season, but they are solid on the inside able to handle the storms of life.

Thank you Charlie and Bev for the time of refreshing,
Pastors Rory and Pam Frink

Strength and beauty in wood comes from fine, tight grain, which comes from tight growth rings that in part come from rest. Do we want our lives, our marriages and our ministries to display the beauty and strength of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. Then we need to take time, to rest, to stop and sit at the feet of Jesus on a regular basis. We need to open ourselves to the presence of the Holy Spirit that becomes a ‘well of water springing up to Eternal Life’ in our souls.

During this Lenten season take time to rest, stop, to Sabbath God’s presence.

Reflections on Lent

This is an interesting time of the year. We are approaching the first day of spring and so winter is coming to an end. In fact today in our little mountain valley the temperature is a wonderful 70 degrees. The birds are out enjoying the warmth, and even a little humming bird came looking for our feeder.

We are also in that special time of the year called Lent. Our brothers and sisters in Liturgical churches are preparing themselves through various spiritual disciplines to celebrate Easter. Those of us who don’t follow the Church Liturgical Calendar are still preparing for our Easter Celebrations. It is a time to remember the new life that comes with spring and the New Eternal Life that came with the death, burial and resurrection of our Lord Jesus Christ. I have been preaching in our local Methodist church the last few weeks and enjoying the discipline of preaching on the great gospel texts of Lent.

They are reminders to all of us of the importance of an examined Christian life. This week the Gospel lesson is that favorite of most people, John 3:16, actually the complete text for preaching is John 3:14-21. This passage with the great gospel kernel at the center calls us to bow before the Cross and examine our lives and commitment to our Lord and Savior.

I plan to remind the congregation that Lent is a time of reflection and self examination of our spiritual lives. As I prepare for Sunday, I am also reading Frederica Mathewes-Green’s little book The Illumined Heart. Her chapter on repentance struck a cord in my life this week and will probably have an influence on my sermon on Sunday.

She writes, “Repentance is the doorway to the spiritual life, the only way to begin. It is also the path itself, the only way to continue.” [pg 39]. She reminds us that Jesus’ preaching from the first to the last included a great call to his hearers to “Repent.” Repent is the transforming of our mind, a coming to understand our situation and a change from it. In the First Testament the Hebrew word for ‘repent’ means “to change the path we are on, to move from the wrong path to the right path so that we arrive at our destination of being in God’s presence.” Often in preaching I reminded the congregation that repentance was a radical change of direction, a total 180 degrees, from walking north to walking south. That is the key to our new life in Christ, isn’t?

We need to acknowledge that our life is not taking us any closer to God. Of course this is very true when we first believe in Christ as our Lord and Savior. We acknowledge in the words of that great hymn, Amazing Grace:

“That saved a wretch like me!
I once was lost, hut now am found,
Was blind, but now I see.”

That is how we begin. We should celebrate that first turn to Jesus, that first act of Repentance. In fact Mathewes-Green writes, “The starting point for the early church was this awareness of the abyss of sin inside each person, the murky depths of which only the top few inches are visible. God, who is all clarity and light, wants to make us perfect as he is perfect, shot through with his radiance. The first step in our healing, then, is not being comforted. Is taking a hard look at the cleansing that needs to be done.” [pg 41.] That is how we begin.

However, if we stop our ‘repenting’ with that first act we miss out on the deeper areas of our walk with God. As Mathewes-Green says, “repentance is the path itself.” It is the continual act of a growing maturing Christian. We need to take a spiritual inventory of our life on a continuing basis. Lent affords one such time to spend quality time examining our life, asking in the words of David “Examine me, O LORD, and try me; Test my mind and my heart. For Thy lovingkindness is before my eyes, And I have walked in Thy truth” (Psalm 26:2,3) or “Search me, O God, and know my heart; Try me and know my anxious thoughts; And see if there be any hurtful way in me, And lead me in the everlasting way.” (Psalm 139:23,24)

As we take time to reflect on the state of our soul, we come to a deeper understanding of how great our sin and misery are and how great the mercy, lovingkindness and grace of God are.

Again, Mathewes-Green writes, “our first step then is to decide where we want to go. If we are resolved to move daily further into union with Christ, we must be ready to face our sins, the things that holds us back, and to let God begin to heal them. Repentance is the way back to the Father. It is both the door and the path, and there is no other.” [pg 45]

For the next few weeks I am going to take some extra time to let God examine my heart, soul, and life, to see where I need to practice Repentance and accepting the healing that flows from His presence.

Clergy Self Care

Last week Lillian Daniel had an interesting blog on Faith & Leadership entitled "What clergy do not need." It was about taking a moratorium on talking about 'clergy self care."

She wrote,

"But ultimately, the notion of self-care does not work because we don’t have in us what is required. Self-care is the Band-Aid we put on spiritual exhaustion, dark nights of the soul, and the disappointment of consecutive losing seasons in a long ministry. It seems odd that as Christians, we would tell one another that the answer to such woes lies in ourselves, and in our own will power and our own resolutions to do better. We take a spiritual problem that affects a community and give it an individualistic and therapeutic answer."

I like her thinking. Often we speak about self care and forget that our life, and power in the ministry doesn't flow simply from our lives. It comes from the greater source of God. He has provided what we need to survive and thrive in pastoral ministry.

First, He has given us our salvation through our precious Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.

Second, He has filled us with the Holy Spirit to teach us, guide us, and empower us.

Third, He created a healthy schedule of work six days a week and on the seventh have a Sabbath, a break a time to STOP and sit at his feet.

Fourth, He has surrounded us with other Christians, some in our churches, and some are fellow clergy.

All four of these 'things' are given for helping us in the life of pastoral ministry. But often we as clergy don't take advantage of the second, third and fourth gifts.

We forget that along with our faith in Jesus Christ we have been filled with the Holy Spirit, 'who proceeds from the Father and the Son,' to fill us and empower us. We have been given this wonderful person as a gift to assist us in carrying out the mandate that God has given us in our call.

But we also don't take time to STOP and take a Sabbath. So often I talk with pastors and they tell me how busy they are. No time to take a week off, no time to sit in the presence of God for an extended period of time. But as I have said before "Sabbath rest comes before ministry." And as Dan Allender writes in his new book Sabbath: The Ancient Practices, Sabbath may be good for us, but in the beginning it is a commandment.

The final part of our taking care of ourselves lies in a healthy community of committed followers to Jesus Christ. As clergy we should participate in community as well as lead the community of faith. Having Christian friends, prayer groups, places to have fun and laugh all help in our own self care.

If you are reading this as a full time pastor, I would encourage you to not only talk about self care, but to do it. Instead of always working as a pastor take time to sit at Jesus feet. Take time to go fishing as Peter and the apostles did after the first resurrection. Ask God for a fresh in-filling of the Holy Spirit. Watch a great movie with your wife and family.

The Command that's Good for You

The Commandment to Keep the Sabbath is one of the few commandments on which Jesus specifically comments. During one of his debates with the Pharisees he says, “The Sabbath was made for Man, and not man for the Sabbath.” [Mark 2:27 NKJV] One point we can draw from this comment is that there is a beneficial aspect in keeping the Sabbath.
St. Paul reminds us that the Commandment to “Honor our Father and Mother” is the only commandment with a promise attached. However, in one of his many debates with the Pharisees, Jesus points out that the 4th commandment: “Remember the Sabbath, to keep it holy” was “made for man, and not man for the Sabbath.” [Mark 2:2 NKJV]
One thought we can draw from Jesus’ comment is that “Keeping the Sabbath” is beneficial. Usually we consider commandments or rules as restricting our freedom or causing us difficulty in living. Of course, we all realize there is freedom, joy and peace in keeping certain rules or commandments, but in practice we usually don’t live that way. I believe that Jesus’ comment goes deeper than saying that the 4th commandment is good for us. There is a benefit that accrues to us (women and men of faith) when we are faithful in keeping this commandment. In fact it is intended for our physical and spiritual health.
We read so much today about the stress in the pastoral ministry and the effect that it has on our lives, our marriages and our ministries. Part of that stress is in the constant demands that the calling of being a Pastor places on us: preparing worship services, sermons, counseling, administrating, planning, visioning, etc. Most of the statistics indicate that pastors work way too many hours with little or no days off.
This is the reality of modern service to the church and world. However, there is good news! This is not what God intended when he rested on the Seventh day after Six long days of creation. As both Watchman Nee and Eugene Peterson have pointed out “man’s work only begins after God has been at work,” and thus our work and indeed week should begin with Rest, a Sabbath for us to be in harmony with God’s will.
Thus, instead of being a ‘burden’ to keep, the Sabbath becomes a benefit to be enjoyed in our life, families, and ministry. Take time this week to pause, step aside, and rest. Take a Sabbath time to pray, reflect and renew your self. Understand that the Sabbath is the beginning of your week not the end and that when you go to work you are simply joining God in the work he has already been doing.
For pastoral couples this time may not be the traditional Saturday or Sunday but may well be another day in the week. For those not involved in full time ministry your Sabbath should be on Sunday, as you gather to worship with God’s people. The day is not as important as the taking of a Sabbath, a break, a ceasing. The idea is to get in tune with God’s holy rhythm. To use the words of that grand hymn, “Take Time to be Holy, speak oft with the Lord.”