This week I want to share with you a short article about pastors and their self awareness and how that impacts issues of spiritual and emotional health. This article is written by my good friend, Dr. Russ Veenker, founder and director of Mountain Learning Center. MLC provides a mountain retreat where a physically enjoyable, emotionally gratifying, and spiritually invigorating experience revitalizes pastors and their spouses' relationships with God, self and others. Russ has been providing Pastoral Retreats for over 25 years in beautiful June Lake, CA. This article is copyrighted by Dr. Russ Veenker and first appeared in his January/February 2009 Ministry Newsletter and is used by me with permission of the author.
Here are his thoughts that were stimulated by a report on a recent clergy survey taken by Dr. Dave Carder.
“Pastors and Self Awareness”
Here are his thoughts that were stimulated by a report on a recent clergy survey taken by Dr. Dave Carder.
“Pastors and Self Awareness”
One of the highest compliments I ever got from a client was when he told several others at a gathering, “I didn’t have any problems until I went to see Dr. Veenker.” That brought out a lot of laughter---including myself! I find it a great statement in regard to how unaware we are of ourselves. I mean, what is it REALLY like to be on the receiving end of me? One must be courageous to ask that of their friends…
I have had pastors spouses share in counseling the observation that what the pastor is like at church is very different from whom they are at home. Many times the pastors in the room look so surprised---even caught off guard--- when their spouse shares their personal perception: “Sometimes it feels like I’m living with two different people.” Yes, more often than pastors like to admit, they aren’t the same person at home as who they are at church. And that observant comment may reveal a compartmentalized life which can lead to all kinds of harmful distractions. Yes, at times pastors tend to be very unaware of this dual-dynamic in themselves.
Take for example, a recently completed study regarding pastoral infidelity by Rev. David Carder (Pastor of Care and Counseling @ EVFree Fullerton, CA, and author of Torn Asunder: Recovery From Extra-marital Affairs, Moody Press). The research team discovered significant mood signs that indicate when a pastor could be a candidate for infidelity: Hungry for emotional connection; generally angry; lonely; tired; and bored. Ministry is a lonely and isolated vocation accompanied by 24/7 work demands that amount to the same routine week after week with little time for a personal life. No wonder so many clergy fall prey to immorality --- the nature of the work role sets them up for it! Fore sure, unless clergy AND their spouses are trained and sensitized to the hazards of ministry, and have healthy boundaries in place, they can easily fall into sinful distractions. Out-of-balance living can lead to sexual wandering.
One of the by-products of Carder’s study I found quite intriguing in terms of self-awareness: “Fully 90% of the pastors who admitted to sexual infidelity in the survey chose phrases like, ‘I was blind-sided,’ ‘It was out of the blue,’ and ‘I had no idea what was happening’ to represent what they felt like when the infatuation of the affair engulfed them.” I think those quotes adequately prove my point: Pastors lack self-awareness! 90%---wowie zowie Batman!
Yes, many clergy lack basic individuation, differentiation, and self-awareness. One reason for this is because they are so focused and absorbed in other people’s lives, they neglect their own. That usually follows for the marriage as well. Many do not have a life outside of ministry as work---they allow their work to define and occupy their identity to the point of emotional, physical, and spiritual exhaustion. The devil doesn’t have to work very hard on Christian leaders in North America --- he just keeps them busy with ministry and they self-destruct! Someone has insightfully said, “The greatest threat to devotion to Christ is service for Christ.” What a paradox! But true none-the-less.
At our Pastor Retreats I will often engage pastors in conversation about how they spend their time. I nearly always get around to asking pastors about their hobbies … what they do together with their spouse as a couple…and what kind of time do they spend with their kids. Prior to the Retreat each participant is required to take a battery of inventories that objectively help to assess how things are going for them personally and in their marriage. Most clergy couples we see are overwhelmed with ministry to the point of martial neglect. There’s no time for hobbies, spouse or kids; they are too exhausted for hobbies, kids, and spouse---they’re just “another person who sucks the life out of them.” Yet the inventories indicate their level of denial regarding their own sentiments is quite pronounced. Once again, a lack of self-awareness appears in this dynamic.
It is only when they get honest with us, themselves, God, and their spouse, they become teachable. Specific Scriptures speak volumes to their condition of no work boundaries and lack of awareness:
"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. Mt. 11:28-29 (NIV)
For by the grace given me I say to every one of you: Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment, in accordance with the measure of faith God has given you. Romans 12:3 (NIV)
Self-awareness begs self-examination in a safe community of openness and gracious wisdom. That’s the kind of environment most Clergy Retreats strive to create for clergy couples. Helping them to become more self-aware, establish healthier working and relational boundaries, and assisting them in intentional growth and development will enable them to finish well at life and ministry.
I challenge you to ask your spouse the tough questions, “Do you see a drastic difference in me when I am at church apart from who I am at home?” “What is it like to be on the receiving end of me?” The answers may surprise you. May be time to consider a Retreat to revitalize.”
What are your thoughts about our self-awareness as a pastor. Does this ring true for you or for a ‘friend’? At Genesee Home we focus on the strategies that help us maintain our emotional and spiritual health in ministry. Two of those strategies that are very important are 1) having Space in our lives in the form of Sabbath times away from ministry and 2) having healthy hobbies that we pursue that are not connected to ministry. Take time reflect on your own self-awareness and how you might maintain the healthy balance that helps you maintain long haul ministry.
I have had pastors spouses share in counseling the observation that what the pastor is like at church is very different from whom they are at home. Many times the pastors in the room look so surprised---even caught off guard--- when their spouse shares their personal perception: “Sometimes it feels like I’m living with two different people.” Yes, more often than pastors like to admit, they aren’t the same person at home as who they are at church. And that observant comment may reveal a compartmentalized life which can lead to all kinds of harmful distractions. Yes, at times pastors tend to be very unaware of this dual-dynamic in themselves.
Take for example, a recently completed study regarding pastoral infidelity by Rev. David Carder (Pastor of Care and Counseling @ EVFree Fullerton, CA, and author of Torn Asunder: Recovery From Extra-marital Affairs, Moody Press). The research team discovered significant mood signs that indicate when a pastor could be a candidate for infidelity: Hungry for emotional connection; generally angry; lonely; tired; and bored. Ministry is a lonely and isolated vocation accompanied by 24/7 work demands that amount to the same routine week after week with little time for a personal life. No wonder so many clergy fall prey to immorality --- the nature of the work role sets them up for it! Fore sure, unless clergy AND their spouses are trained and sensitized to the hazards of ministry, and have healthy boundaries in place, they can easily fall into sinful distractions. Out-of-balance living can lead to sexual wandering.
One of the by-products of Carder’s study I found quite intriguing in terms of self-awareness: “Fully 90% of the pastors who admitted to sexual infidelity in the survey chose phrases like, ‘I was blind-sided,’ ‘It was out of the blue,’ and ‘I had no idea what was happening’ to represent what they felt like when the infatuation of the affair engulfed them.” I think those quotes adequately prove my point: Pastors lack self-awareness! 90%---wowie zowie Batman!
Yes, many clergy lack basic individuation, differentiation, and self-awareness. One reason for this is because they are so focused and absorbed in other people’s lives, they neglect their own. That usually follows for the marriage as well. Many do not have a life outside of ministry as work---they allow their work to define and occupy their identity to the point of emotional, physical, and spiritual exhaustion. The devil doesn’t have to work very hard on Christian leaders in North America --- he just keeps them busy with ministry and they self-destruct! Someone has insightfully said, “The greatest threat to devotion to Christ is service for Christ.” What a paradox! But true none-the-less.
At our Pastor Retreats I will often engage pastors in conversation about how they spend their time. I nearly always get around to asking pastors about their hobbies … what they do together with their spouse as a couple…and what kind of time do they spend with their kids. Prior to the Retreat each participant is required to take a battery of inventories that objectively help to assess how things are going for them personally and in their marriage. Most clergy couples we see are overwhelmed with ministry to the point of martial neglect. There’s no time for hobbies, spouse or kids; they are too exhausted for hobbies, kids, and spouse---they’re just “another person who sucks the life out of them.” Yet the inventories indicate their level of denial regarding their own sentiments is quite pronounced. Once again, a lack of self-awareness appears in this dynamic.
It is only when they get honest with us, themselves, God, and their spouse, they become teachable. Specific Scriptures speak volumes to their condition of no work boundaries and lack of awareness:
"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. Mt. 11:28-29 (NIV)
For by the grace given me I say to every one of you: Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment, in accordance with the measure of faith God has given you. Romans 12:3 (NIV)
Self-awareness begs self-examination in a safe community of openness and gracious wisdom. That’s the kind of environment most Clergy Retreats strive to create for clergy couples. Helping them to become more self-aware, establish healthier working and relational boundaries, and assisting them in intentional growth and development will enable them to finish well at life and ministry.
I challenge you to ask your spouse the tough questions, “Do you see a drastic difference in me when I am at church apart from who I am at home?” “What is it like to be on the receiving end of me?” The answers may surprise you. May be time to consider a Retreat to revitalize.”
What are your thoughts about our self-awareness as a pastor. Does this ring true for you or for a ‘friend’? At Genesee Home we focus on the strategies that help us maintain our emotional and spiritual health in ministry. Two of those strategies that are very important are 1) having Space in our lives in the form of Sabbath times away from ministry and 2) having healthy hobbies that we pursue that are not connected to ministry. Take time reflect on your own self-awareness and how you might maintain the healthy balance that helps you maintain long haul ministry.
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